Sounds easy now, doesn’t it?
“No, I don’t want to get in your car, stranger”
“No, I don’t want to go to bed”
“Are you going to eat your vegetables, Jimmy?” Flat out “no”.
It’s easier saying no to the stuff you don’t want to do and the people you don’t want to do things for.
But it’s not this easy saying ‘no’ when part of you does want to do something. Think about the ‘temptation’ factor here: “No, I don’t want that brownie….” *bites lip and stares at brownie which stares straight back*
It’s even harder having to say ‘no’ to your friends – whether you want to do the thing or not.
I am a classic work-horse. I like to be busy. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always want to work, or run around doing things, but I can’t be idle. If I’m at home doing ‘nothing’ it usually means I’m writing or drawing or singing or cleaning or organising, or learning how to make a cheesecake for the first time, or helping my friend over the phone (all of which are true for the last week alone). You can bet I’ll be doing something. It doesn’t matter – that’s still a day off for me.
And when it comes to work I do the same.
I’m self-employed so my work comes in drips and drabs: forget weekly or daily schedules and appointments, I have hourly and even down to individual minute timetables dedicated to varying work projects. Imagine how this then impacts my social life. I have to fit in any social engagements around this hectic rota. For instance:
08:00 – 13:30 ‘JOB A’
13:30-14:00 ‘DRIVE TO JOB B’
14:00 – 15:30 ‘JOB B’
15:30 – 15:33 ‘INHALE A SANDWICH WHILE DRIVING TO JOB C’
15:33 – 18:30 ‘JOB C’
18:30 – 18:31 ‘SNIFF SOME COFFEE’
18:31 – 19:45 ‘JOB D’
19:45 – 20:30 ‘SOCIALISE’
20:30 – 20:35 ‘RUN TO JOB D’
20:35 – 22:50 ‘JOB D’
22:50 – 23:30 ‘DRIVE HOME’
Something like that. There may be minor exaggerations in there.
I don’t really like coffee
.
I rarely eat sandwiches.
Running is a strong word. Better replaced with ‘panic’. ‘I panic to JOB BLARGH’. It covers the reality of the situation no matter what the mode of transport.
Imagine a standard working day being juggling two or three jobs. Not to mention additional projects that don’t pay your living wage but are still work and necessary.
Now add on the desire to socialise.
Now add on a friend in need who needs you remotely.
Now add on a friend in need because they need you in person.
Now add on a family member who needs you.
Heaven forfend you should have to add on a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Garnish with a smattering of sleep deprivation and irrational anger and season with high blood pressure to serve.
Where do you draw the line?
What bits are you meant to get rid of?
Work is work – everyone has to work and you need to pay rent and bills and council tax and that overdue library fee because you were working consecutive 14 hour days and couldn’t take the books back. Can’t get rid of work.
The additional projects – in my case, these are essential for building professional experience and launching what I actually want for my career. I can’t lose that, that would be pointless.
The desire to socialise? Well, yes, this is usually where my saying ‘no’ comes into play and my social life (and happiness) takes a massive hit.
The friend in need – well, they’re in need. I don’t want them to be unhappy. I’m an empathetic creature. I’m sure I could find half an hour for a phone call or skype…
The friend in need who needs to cry on my shoulder or needs to crash on my sofa… well… they need someone. They need me. They’ve reached out for help. I can’t leave them high and dry, can I?
The family member who needs you – well, I can’t let my family down. Blood is blood and whatever. I love them. They’d do the same for me, right?
Boyfriend? Don’t even start.
I know that I will always have a lot on my plate. Because I am that kind of person and, a lot of the time, it is good for me; it drives my productivity and creativity. But I am only just learning that it shouldn’t be at the expense of me living my life and doing what I want to do. It’s not like I’m talking about going on holiday when I haven’t got the time or the funds or forgetting my healthy eating because ‘YOLO’. I’m talking about just having time for me. To be me. To do the things I want to do. To put myself first and be in my own driving seat.
Ever see the film The Holiday? It’s like when Arthur says to Kate Winslet that she needs to be the leading lady of her own film, but she’s acting like the best friend.
Preach.
And in order to have that time and, more importantly, to have my agency – my freedom and my own power – I have to say no.
Sometimes that will be to friends in need; sometimes it will be to friends not in need.
Sometimes that will be to family; sometimes that will be to creative projects.
Sometimes it will be to work.
I hate letting people down. I really really hate letting people down.
But I also hate feeling irritable and angry and resenting my own life when I have complete control over what’s in it and what I’m doing. How stupid to resent the life you are creating for yourself.
And I know that it’s not just a case of ‘buy the dress, eat the cake, kiss the guy’:
I’m broke, I don’t fit in the dress anyway cos I ate the cake, and the guy has a girlfriend. We can’t just do all the things we want because we want to.
I have to work. I have to earn money. It would be lovely if money got handed to me and I could live any crazy lifestyle fantasy I wanted, but I have yet to find a benefactor. Plus, I know me, I’d only fill my time with other bloody projects anyway.
But it is a case of balancing the stuff you don’t like so much with the stuff you do. And part of that needs to be some sacred time.
And I cannot believe it’s taken me 25 years to learn this.
Even eliminating the childhood years where I didn’t know up from down in terms of the big wide world and my emotions (let’s be honest. My primary concern was whether James McAvoy was ever going to love me back), I’ve had 7 adult years of not putting myself first.
But, you know what they say – it’s never too late to learn. And I am learning it now. It’s tough, I won’t lie. I still hate saying ‘no’ to friends and feeling like I’ve let them down or I’ve hurt them. But I can still acknowledge that part of me that gets to use that time I would have given to someone or something else for myself, and that I like it. It feels good. It feels long overdue.
I feel like I have more control and more agency. I also feel like I’ve reconnected with myself a little bit, where I know I really haven’t been ‘me’ for a long time.
I don’t know if enough people know to honour themselves with some sacred time. I feel like such a simple concept has helped me massively. Even if I am still learning how to do it and realizing where my boundaries are.
I don’t owe anyone anything, yet isn’t it amazing how hard it can be to say one little word: “no”.
